Status and belonging.

For most of us, this is not an innate felt sense. Many of us were not taught that we belong… just purely through BE-ing.

Throughout childhood, I saw belonging not only as something that needed to be earned- but a tenuous gift that could be taken away at any given moment.

When it came to social pecking orders, I was very much at the bottom of my “friend” group. I was the chosen one for the kind of passive-aggression, isolation, gossip, and ridicule you see in mean-girl movies. 

Shame and blame were foundational go-to’s for me. 

I contorted myself, hid aspects that I sensed were “unworthy”, and learned to mask very early on.

I constantly walked away injured from the razor sharp edge between being seen as “too much” and “not enough”. 

This programming accompanied me for years. 

Trust me when I say I have done A LOT of healing around this. From therapy, to coaching, to even getting a certificate in IFS (internal family systems)… I have gone to the depths. 

But it took me a long time to even get there.

I didn’t have the courage to look… to admit to myself, let alone others… that this had even happened. That this was a formative part of my story.

I feared if others found out that I was thought of as “damaged and unworthy”, they would then see it too. 

That I would be rejected all over again. 

I was well into my 30’s when the true healing began.

And something that I have circled back to time and time again, is the messaging I wish I would have received as a young child. 

We can’t control the tides of the world’s injuries. But we can learn to ride the waves and feel safe within ourselves. 

Status is a very slippery word.

On a social level, it involves reputation, recognition, and standing. It takes into account factors such as connections and influence. It rests on the shoulders of the respect of others.

But at what cost?

This once again ties back to the external versus the internal.

My first therapist informed me that I had the maladaptive behavior of a “high-performing achiever with unrelenting standards”. 

In the last ten years I have truly come to realize that if I choose to, I can run myself ragged, bend and contort, strive with high-intensity efforts… until I take my last breath.

Or… 

I can chill the F out. 

I can keep trying and trying and trying, or I can connect to my worth from within. 

Today my husband told me that he deeply appreciated how I am looking at my energy now. How I recognize when I have spread myself too thin. How I adjust my internal metrics to honor a slower and kinder pace.

He didn’t thank and appreciate me for “how hard I work”. He didn’t thank and appreciate me for “all that I do around here”. 

He thanked and appreciated me for letting go.

It was the first time anyone had ever done that for me. And from head to toe, I felt my entire body relax as the words left his mouth.

It was as if my soul finally heard: “It’s safe to honor and listen to yourself”. 

When we reconnect with our own sense of self-worth and belonging, external metrics don’t matter anymore. 

We have innate purpose and meaning. We define what success means to us. And we are deeply satisfied.

Our values, our actions, our goals have permission to shift right alongside us. 

We continue to grow, heal, and expand. We allow ourselves to pivot at anytime. 

We use our intuition, our felt sense, the very wisdom of our body to be our true compass.

During a beautiful breath session this year, I broke through another healing layer with my inner child. She was surrounded by her tormentors once again, but this time she stood tall. 

She looked them each in the eye and said: “That isn’t how you love.”

And then she shot up into the sky on a beam of gold light.

She didn’t need to be included anymore. She didn’t need their status. 

She understood something I hope my children will always know. 

Something I hope you know as well:

We are innately worthy of belonging. 

We are worthy of love.

We are valued.

We are celebrated.

We are free to be our most authentic self.

We are the embodiment of light.

We deserve to live to the very fullest of ourselves 

in the ways that we decide.

JUST AS WE ARE.

And NO ONE can take that away from us.  

When we heal the deepest layers of our wounds, we recognize that we no longer need the rungs within any social ladders.

That we are our own liberators. And that we have the freedom to BE. 

All through self-love.

xo